Thank You...

Hello friends!! Today’s post is for me…and you. I am fortunate to have people in my life who can gently remind me of the good things about myself when I fail to see them. I have numerous screenshots of encouraging messages and DMs from friends, and I look at them often. About a week or so ago, a friend texted me this: “Candace do you know how [redacted] dope you are?” it caught me by surprise, and my answer was “No”, followed up by “That’s pretty sad isn’t it?”.

To be honest, it still surprises me when people say nice things or just text to check in on me. I don’t see myself as someone who garners thought. (I’m working on it.) Today I’m going to take some time to encourage myself, and hopefully you as well. From time to time it’s good to just say thank you, to yourself. Let’s get started.


Thank you.

Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for your willingness to peel back the curtain and share the hard moments. Thank you for sharing your failures, awkwardness, and quirks.

Thank you for smiling. You have a pretty great one, and maybe Colgate will give you an ad campaign soon. *hint hint*

Thank you for being strong, literacy and figuratively. Thank you for not allowing the things that have been done to you to turn our heart cold. Thank you for being able to be warm in the midst of adversity. A huge thank you to the muscles in my body for stretching to accommodate the weight I lift at the gym.

Thank you for trying. Trying to take risks. Trying to see the value in yourself. Trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for taking another step each day. Look back and you’ll see hundreds of footprints in the sand. That’s progress. Thank you for seeing it. Thank you for continuing to see it.

Thank you for being willing to serve.

Thank you for seeing the good in yourself, like you see it in others. Thank you for being willing to do the hard work to be a better person, even when tears may ensue.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


Learning To Be Where my Feet Are...

Hi friends. It’s a brisk morning in October, which basically means we’re almost at Thanksgiving, which basically means the year is over. 😂 (I can’t be the only one who thinks like that.) This time of the year is very…all over the place for me. Next month marks the anniversary of my father’s death, and I become even more introspective than I already am. I start wondering why I don’t have a home or a bigger apartment or why I’m not making more money or why I haven’t made someone’s 30 under 30 list (I’ve only got 9 months left) or why I don’t have abs and a dwindling waist or why fall is supposed to be the season of harvest and my life’s garden is seemingly disgustingly bare or why…

You see how exhausting that is? (Bonus points if you were able to read that last sentence out loud without losing your breath.)

I was on Twitter a few days ago and I saw a tweet along the lines of “learning to be where your feet are”. I’ll get to the point in a second (or a few…minutes, depending on how fast you read the rest of this.)

I work with a non-profit called The Regenerate Society , and we have a community garden in the works. I won’t go into all of the details about the life cycle of plants, but it’s obvious that nothing grows immediately after it’s planted. It’s a tedious and often frustrating process. It requires careful maintenance, pruning, and sometimes scrapping the entire plant and starting over. Some plants don’t yield anything for years. Despite the work that goes into gardening, I’ve also come to understand and even enjoy the process. What? Let me explain.

There is something deeply satisfying about watching something grow from seemingly nothing, into something great and tangible. Sure, at first it’s boring, because for a few weeks you’re just watering a seed. You know something is happening, but you can’t see it yet. Them boom, a few green sprouts peek out of the ground. Now we’re cooking with gas. You keep watering and cultivating the soil, and from those sprouts come, stems, leaves, and even a few flowers bloom. In the case of our okra, a beautiful flower would form just before the pods emerged. Tending the garden made me realize that every small step led to an even bigger step, and eventually a harvest. It made me slow down and take a look at where my feet were planted. I noticed things I hadn’t before, like the smell of the soil, or how pretty the pods looked right after watering them. I was learning to be where my feet were. Present, and in the moment. Before long, the garden went from a responsibility to something I actually enjoyed, all because I took the time to understand the process.

As a whole, we are so busy, ripping and running from one place to the next, one goal or accomplishment to the next, that we rarely stop and smell the flowers.

Or, when we do stop, we get anxious, frustrated, or fidgety, wondering when our life’s train will get to running again, because after all “I have things to do, and time is running out.” It’s during those stopping points where we need to learn to be where our feet are. Take a breath, relax your shoulders, and be in the moment. You may notice some pleasant things along the way.

So where are your feet? Even if you aren’t where you want to be, I bet if you look back you’ll see the footprints in the soil, which is evidence of how far you’ve come. Be present today. It’ll come in handy tomorrow.

Great things come from stillness, too.

Love always,

CDOG

P.S. Here is some of the harvest from this year.

 



The Guilt of Grief

Hi friends! (I hope we are still friends, btw.) Today’s topic may be a little heavy, so I won’t take offense if you scroll past today’s post. In fact, it was hard for me, so I decided to substitute what I was actually going to write for something that I’ve already written, but it still as relevant. Grief is hard, but there is hope.


“Let’s face it, grief is hard. It’s very hard. Somedays are completely fine, and then others feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders (or in my case, my tear ducts, because that’s my involuntary outlet of choice.) It has been almost 13 years since my father transitioned from this life, and the latter part of the year (around the holiday season) has always been difficult for me. I now realize that I’ll never get over losing a parent, and I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I’m taking things one day at a time.

I’m dedicating this story to the memory of him.

“It means no worries, for the rest of your days! It’s a problem free, philosophy, hakuna matata!”

If you didn’t know, that’s a line from The Lion King. It’s one of my favorite movies, mostly due to it being one of my first and happiest moments with my father. I had to be about 3 or 4 years old, and we would watch it religiously, sometimes multiple times. Whenever I was bored, we would curl up on the couch and recite every word to each other. It was almost like we wrote the script ourselves. When it was over, I’d sheepishly ask “Can we watch it again?”, he would pop the tape back into the video player, and our dialogue would begin again. If I was lucky, we would watch it a third time.

My brother, my father and I used to live in a small house on Elvans Road in Washington D.C. I didn’t realize how small it was until I got older and visited the house again. However, despite its size, one of the best parts about it was outside. There was a small hill that has a perfect view of the Washington Monument, and on the 4th of July we would go out and watch the fireworks.

Now, every time I watch that movie I alternate between smiling at the memory and crying because I know I’ll never get to recreate it. I’d do anything to get those moments back.

Fast forward to November 30th, 2008.

I was in my room, and I heard a knock on the door. I heard my lawyers voice, and I was immediately worried. I thought there was resurgence with the custody battle between my parents. I put my ear to the door, but I couldn’t quite hear the conversation. About 5 seconds later I heard my mother wailing like I’d never heard before. My heart sank because I just knew someone had died. I racked my brain and couldn’t come up with anything.

There was another knock at the door, and I heard my grandmother’s voice. I was even more confused.

In between sobs, my mother called myself and my brother to the living room. I don’t remember how the conversation went; I just remember it ended in tears because we just found out my father had died. I couldn’t believe it, I just spoken to him the Tuesday before. I went to my room and cried an ugly cry. My eyes were red, I had snot coming from my nose, and I had to figure out how to navigate school the next day. I know now that I should have just stayed home.

I remember being in the cafeteria crying most of the morning before first period. My mom had called the office that morning, so when I started crying in class, I was excused. I’ll never forget my history and humanities teachers taking time out of the day to comfort me and share their own experiences. My friends gathered around me and didn’t make me feel weak for crying. I’m not sure I ever properly thanked them.

Mostly everything after that became a blur of school and guilt.

I didn’t go to the funeral, so I don’t know where he is buried. His wife at the time (my stepmother) made the stipulation that my birth mom couldn’t come in, so in protest, none of us went. I’m not sure it was the right decision. I remember we went to some seafood restaurant after we viewed his body. I think I faked being happy all through that lunch. Even though I was surrounded by family, I wanted to be at that funeral. I wish I was old enough at the time to have made the decision to go, because I would have.

I called his phone just so I could hear his voice again. I enrolled in a guitar class, because that was his favorite instrument, and he was teaching me right before he died. I cried a lot. I still do.

Holidays are hard, so is his birthday, Father’s Day, and the anniversary of his death. I cry a lot, no matter who is around.

Sometimes I find myself looking at the obituary I have of him by my bed. It’s turning yellow, and I probably should laminate it.

Grief is hard, and somedays I find myself crying for no reason. Sometimes I feel weak for not being “over it.”

I’m not sure that I’ve turned the corner honestly. I don’t even know how to identify what the “corner” is.

But what I do have are the memories, and that’s what gets me through those tough times. The memory of us singing all the songs on The Lion King, or him narrating shows on animal planet. I see his smile in mine, the sense of humor, and the hearty laugh that comes when something is truly funny.

There is a scene in The Lion King where Simba is distraught because he finally has come to terms with the fact that his father is gone, and Rafiki tells him that “he [his father] lives in you.”

Even though my dad is gone, I truly believe that he lives in me, too.

I can smile knowing that. I guess I am finally turning the corner.”


With love always,

CDOG

"My Hair used to be Long When I was Little..."

Hello again, friends. (Wait, are we friends? I sure hope so, because if you’ve been on this journey with me, I’ve shared some of my most intimate thoughts on these digital pages.) I hope the title got your attention, because we’re about to get into the weeds today. Ready? Let’s do it.


“My hair used to be long, when I was little, I swear.” After saying that phrase I would search the archives of my phone to find the one picture of me at six as proof. (I still have it, too.) *insert a record scratch freeze frame* You’re probably wondering how we got here and what the heck this topic has to do with anything.

Well, let me take you back to 2005, and no I will not say how old I was then, because I don’t want y’all calling me old. To make a long story a little less long (I borrowed that statement from one of my friends), after my parents divorced, my father remarried a woman who was…not nice. I vividly remember being told how beautiful, thick and long my hair was growing up, and at that time, it was kind of my identity. I put all of my self-esteem into my hair. For reasons still unknown to me, I was picked up from school early and taken to an apartment with a single barber’s chair, and all of my hair was cut. (No, this is not a joke, I went to school with a hat on the next day.) To make matters worse, I had not really gone through puberty yet, so I looked like a little boy, and my confidence was shot. Who was I without my hair?!

When my hair finally started growing back, I made a vow that I would never cut it again. This was also around the time where long hair was in, and women with longer hair were deemed desirable. In simple terms, I was a hater. I know you’ve seen the tweets: “My hair used to be long when I was little”. Yeah, that was me, but in real life at age… (Whew, I almost let it slip😂). At the time, long hair was the peak of attractiveness, and I fell short.

Anyway, fast forward to today, and I have realized that I have always placed most of my sense of self-worth on whether I was physically attractive or not. Let’s be real, if you are deemed conventionally attractive, you have more opportunities than those who are not. (Don’t believe me? Click here.) I wanted in the pretty club! I have spent a majority of my 20’s working on my outer appearance, and that’s cool I guess, but looks will fade, and what really matters is what’s on the inside. So, instead of honing in on my fabulous shoulders, I’ve been paying attention to the other attractive parts of myself. Am I kind? Am I understanding? Am I gentle? Am I loyal? Honest?

I know, I know, it sounds so cliché’, but it’s so true. So while yes, my hair did grow back, other parts of me have grown as well, and I’m looking forward to becoming as attractive inside as I am outside (because um, I am cute. Yes, I did just toot my own horn, and I’m giving you all the permission you need to do the same for yourself. 😂)

So, yes, your hair may have been long when you were little, but how big is your heart? I promise people will remember your spirit just as much as they remember your looks. (I was going to say how long is your heart but that doesn’t make sense…)

Love always,

CDOG

No, Jesus is Not Enough for Me.

If you somehow got past the title of this post, I hope you end up making it to the end. I know every quarter I manage to type out the words “This may be my most transparent post yet”, but this may actually be that. Growing up in church I would hear phrases like “Jesus is all I need” or “Jesus is enough for me”, usually women who have been apart of the singles ministry as long as I had been alive. There was always the sting of bitterness in their voice though. So they were smiling, but they really looked like this:

To be honest, I bought into that propaganda for a long time. I pushed away both romantic and platonic connections because “All I needed was God, and he fulfills all my needs.”

Fast forward 15 years, and now I could really see that these women were in fact saying that Jesus was not all that they needed. While I recognize that it is both dangerous and impossible to find complete fulfillment in other people, even God realized that humans need community and companionship.

I can feel some of the saints getting hot, so let me stop here and bring out a few scriptures as reference:

  1. Two things can be true. I can recognize that while God may need to be the origin of my happiness, even He recognized that it can get lonely on this earth. (see #2, 3, 4)

  2. Genesis 2:18 -The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”.

  3. Psalm 133:1 - How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!

  4. John 13: 34- “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, you must love one another.”

At 29, I finally admitted to myself that Jesus isn’t enough for me.

Huh?

That’s right. I’m saying what a lot of young women and men who grew up in church are thinking. I also grew up hearing that those who try to serve God will probably live a life lonelier than most. I’m probably a poster child for this. I am nowhere near perfect, but what I can say is that I really do try my best to do what is right based on the faith I claim to follow. Except I’m kind of tired of doing that. I’m tired of all the rules, and the convictions. I just want to live life. Still confused? I’ll give a scenario from exactly 16 hours ago.

Even before COVID I wasn’t big on going out, but I’ve been even more cautious, so last night was a big deal. I looked rather dashing if I say so myself. I had more than my share of drinks however (again, another rare thing), and I was really “feeling myself” (Do the kids still say that?). I had a fantastic time…until I got home. I pulled into my complex, parked the car, and sobbed. I felt convicted, about everything. Technically I broke all the “rules” I had been taught to follow. Let’s go through them shall we:

  1. I had on clothes that would garner more than a few side eyes from the church mothers that sit in the front row.

  2. I had a few (7) drinks. Yeah, I know.

  3. My thoughts were not holy in any shape or form. (Hey, I’m just being honest)

I got home and felt so bad for just “living”, that I cried. And I cried hard. There must be a balance between “Jesus is all I need” and living life as a young person with fleshly needs and desires. I don’t know what it is, but I’m determined to find it. I’m tired of being alone and “set apart”. This world is literally falling apart right before our eyes, and I’d like to live a little before it all crumbles.

Before I end, I just want to emphasize again that two things can be true. I can acknowledge that God should be the first source of happiness and contentment, while also having normal feelings of loneliness, and being tired of the Christian “red tape”. I just wish the church was better at addressing these two issues. So, while I’m trying to get there, at the moment, Jesus alone is not enough for me, and I’m not sure He’s meant to be.

Flaws or Superpowers? You Decide.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. (Ok, a lot more than usual, because let’s face it, I’m always thinking.) My train of thought(s) bought me to ponder on things I don’t really like about myself. Well, I’m always seeing and hearing things about reframing your mindset, so I’m now choosing to rename these “flaws” and call them superpowers. We’ll see if it sticks. Here are three flaws turned superpowers:


Deep Introspection: My brain is always running. No seriously. “Run Forrest Run” type of running. If someone measured the electrical impulses from my brain, I bet it would be enough to power a small appliance. (Maybe now that gas is approaching $5 a gallon, it could be an alternative energy source?) It’s tiring, but it also allows me to see things and sides of conflict that most people may miss, or not think about.

Empathy: I used to hate being empathetic. I feel everything deeply. The older I get, the more I realize that it is a strength. Sure, it has made me a little (or a lot) more sensitive than others, but it’s also because I’ve gone through a lot more then most, and I can understand people and their hurt, even if I don’t agree how they deal with it.

My middle name: Ogechi literally means “In God’s own time”. Now, I’m still wrestling with this one. I seem to always be at the bottom of the totem pole when in everything compared to my peers. I haven’t won any fancy awards, this economy is making whatever I make seem like chump change, and I’m seemingly not far in my career. I seem to be watching everyone else speed past me in the Mario Kart of life, and I’m just waiting for a power boost to catch up. It seems like I am literally always waiting on God’s timing, and while that’s supposed to be a good thing, I’m still waiting on my speed boost. I guess this one is only a gift because (deep, deep down) I know that God (hopefully) won’t withhold anything good from me. Did I mention I’m trying to work on my faith? Bet you couldn’t tell.

We all have things about ourselves that we don’t particularly like, and it’s ok to recognize those.

It’s also ok to see the good in some of those things too.

So, what are your superpowers?

In honor of superheroes, here is one of my favorite clips of The Green Lantern. 😂








Shame.

Hello friends. I know, I know, I haven’t written anything in quite a while. Here is how life is going for me at the moment:

My 30th birthday is in 412 days.

Over the last few months, Game of Thrones has become my comfort show, and I’ve viewed it approximately 6 times in it’s entirety. If you’ve watched even just an episode of this show, then you know that it is one of the most complicated, twisted (and beautiful) shows that has ever aired. I’m still trying to figure out what it says about me that I’ve had the patience and stomach for 6 straight reruns.

Take those two facts as you please.


Let’s get into the good stuff. I’ve built this platform on transparency, because I truly believe we can all learn from each other, and I intend to continue that today.

I am not ok.

I’m not ok with not being ok. (Try saying that 5 times fast).

I grew up in a few different environments, and in all but one, the show of emotions was not encouraged or tolerated. Tears were met with contempt, hugs were few and far between, and the most famous three words (with 8 letters) were rarely uttered. Between that and the whole “Just pray depression away” narrative, you can see I was put on a real path to emotional success. (That last sentence was sarcasm, if you didn’t catch it). Suppression was the name of the game, and 28 years later all of those emotions are now coming out, and I feel like this:

During this transitional period in my life, I have shed more tears than I ever thought possible. It’s been a viscous cycle of mourning the life I thought I should have at this point, followed by guilty feelings because “other people have had it worse”, followed by an even more guilty feeling for…just having these feelings. And on and on it goes, day in and out, my mind twirling like that colorful cloth we used twirl around in physical education class as a child. After a while all of those colors used to blur and we all got dizzy and fell down. I’ve fallen down quite a few times, and I haven’t quite recovered. Ahh yes, and there is also the shame of vulnerability in front of people who you thought viewed you as a strong individual.

If this is something that resonates or has resonated with you at any point in your life, I’d just like to reiterate that you are not alone. I don’t claim to have all of the answers, and I’m getting professional help myself, but there are a few things I can share:

  1. Embrace it. Whatever it is that you’re feeling, sit with it. I spent most of my life running from emotion, and it will catch up with you at some point. It will not be easy. It may cause you to do some introspective thinking and work, but I promise it’s better than everything hitting you at once.

  2. Get help. I can’t stress this enough. Despite my writing over the years, there is still a misconception that I have it all together. (Seriously guys, how many posts do I need to write to let you all know that this isn’t the case 😂). I, like so many others have a huge issue with pride when it comes to asking for help, and while it’s never too late to do the deep work, I believe I made it much harder on myself, because I waited until the 11th hour. You can indeed love Jesus and get a therapist.

  3. You are not annoying, and people do love you. During this period in my life, I have felt more unworthy of love and community in all forms than I ever have. There is a stigma surrounding depression and emotions that I pray I get to see eradicated. I’ve been guilty of trying to push the very people away that have seen me at some of my lowest points and still choose to love and support me anyway. Community is important, and if people offer to be here for you, let them. Let them.

  4. Find a comfort show. Seriously. Now, I know not everyone can stomach something like Game of Thrones, so I’m not suggesting that, but I am suggesting that you find something that feels like a warm hug when you watch it. It really does help.

  5. Don’t quit. I’ve been here multiple times. It’s rough. Really rough. But keep going. Rest if you must, but don’t quit.

    Let’s face it, life is hard, but emotions are normal, and it just makes you human. Let them out.

    I’m rooting for you all.

    Love always,

    CDOG








Is This Thing On?

Is it me or did this year go by faster than the bills that come out of your account on payday? I can vividly remember saying “Happy New Year!”, and it’ll be November in a few short days. Usually I just drop in to give some encouragement, but today is all about honesty.

I’m not sure what the heck is going on.

I turned 28 a little under four months ago, and for some reason it seems like time is moving faster than ever. At one point my goal was to be on someone’s “Top 30 under 30 list”, and since I don’t think they make lists for 35 year-olds, the next list of the sort I’ll be able to make is 40. Yuck.

I have a head full of ideas and not enough capital to execute them (or maybe not enough time or energy, or all 3). If someone asked me “What do you want to do?” right now, I' wouldn’t know how to give an answer, because I want to do everything. My mind is pretty much always running at top processing speed, trying to figure out the next move. I’m not going to give any advice because I’m probably not going to adhere to whatever I type here. However, if this sounds like you, you aren’t alone. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that everyone is just trying to figure it out, and even when we have one thing nailed down, we’ll never stop trying to figure it out. I’m just trying to enjoy the journey along the way. (Sort of).

With all this uncertainty, there are however, a few stable things in my life:

  • My extreme dislike for candy corn. It’s flavored wax.

  • My ever bigger dislike of people who don’t use turn signals.

  • My disgust of people who eat chitterlings. The fact that you have to clean it so thoroughly to get the waste out should tell you that it’s not meant to be eaten…

  • My quest to get everyone to adhere to basic hygiene. Please.

  • My hatred for Nissan Cube.

The good news is that one thing is certain: Return of the Mack is the best song ever created.

You got this. We got this.

Love always,

CDOG

Just Keep Swimming...

Quick disclaimer: I know there are some blogs that seem to be run by positive Patty’s, and they have all the keys to life and are polished and perfect. It’s almost as if they are trying to sell you the formula to happiness. This is not the case with me. I’ve never been afraid to say that I don’t have it all together, and I’m really living life day by day.

100% of the time, the posts I publish are actually encouragement for me (because let’s be honest, most of us are exhausted and have a lot going on right now), I just so happen to be sharing it with you all.

With that being said, let’s get into today’s quick encouragement.


If I can quote a line or two from the great Rufus Humphrey (everyone has a comfort show, and Gossip Girl is one of mine): “All it takes is just one person to connect with your art…but you can’t reach them if you don’t show up.”

I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m more aware, or because of an actual increase in numbers, but there are tons of creatives, many of us trying to find our niche in an oversaturated market. It can be discouraging when you feel like you’re putting your art (whatever that looks like to you) out there and it seems to fall on deaf ears. As much as we try to say that we are just creating thing for ourselves, if we’re honest, we seek some sort of validation for the content we put out, and it can get discouraging.

Here are 3 important things to keep in mind:

  1. The first time you do something, it’s probably going to suck.- For those if us wo are used to picking something up and being proficient, that’s a hard pill to swallow. However, you won’t ever get better if you quit.

  2. Someone is always watching, and even if they never say it, they are probably rooting for you, too. You never know who is being impacted by the content you create.

  3. Every hobby doesn’t have to be monetized, it’s ok to just create. I started Danielle’s Kitchen (my former meal prep service), because I thought that just because I could cook, I could run a food business. Wrong. I quickly learned that I do best when I’m able to take my time and experiment with food without the added pressure of fulfilling orders. Now, I’m able to fully enjoy cooking again.

  4. It’s ok if you’re still trying to figure it out.

Just keep doing what you’re doing. You got this.


Love always,

CDOG



Accept It.

First things first: August is National Black Business Month! If you’d like to find a list of my favorites, you can do so here.

There are about 2.8 million for you to choose from. Go find one, get your card out, and swipe it. Then repeat.

Imagine if we all did that just once every day. Let’s make it happen.


Do you still have trouble with the difference between accept and except? Well, today’s post may help you with that inadvertently. So let’s get started with a definition (courtesy of Google):

accept

[əkˈsept]

VERB

  1. consent to receive (a thing offered).

    "he accepted a pen as a present"

    synonyms:

    receive · agree to receive · welcome · take · take receipt of · get · gain · obtain · [more]

    • give an affirmative answer to (an offer or proposal); say yes to.

      "he would accept their offer and see what happened"

      synonyms:

      take on · take up · undertake · tackle · take on oneself · shoulder · bear

    • dated

      say yes to a proposal of marriage from (a man).

      "what if Elizabeth accepted Darcy the first time?"

  2. believe or come to recognize (an opinion, explanation, etc.) as valid or correct.

    "this tentative explanation came to be accepted by the group" ·

To make a very long story short, I have a hard time accepting just about everything. Compliments, change, help, all of it. Just this week, I was going through a rough time, and I had more than one friend offer to be an ear to listen, or offer to hangout to take my mind off of things, and of course I said “Yes, thanks so much, I’ll definitely take you up on that!” Did I? No.

That sound familiar?

You may be thinking “Well that’s dumb”, and yes I agree. Here are a few reasons why you (I) have a hard time accepting help when offered:

  1. I always feel like a burden for “putting my issues” on someone else.

  2. I’m not used to having people offer genuinely care about how I’m feeling.

  3. I don’t want to feel like I’m only bringing drama or negativity to my friends.

  4. I don’t want to look weak or helpless.

If you have a hard time accepting anything, like I do, I have two words for you (followed by a few other phrases 😂):

Accept it.

Accept the help.

Accept the compliment.

Accept the support.

Accept that you are awesome, talented, amazing, beautiful.

It can be difficult to just shift your mindset when you are used to seeing yourself in such a different way than others seem to see you. I’m not going to promise that it’s going to be easy, but what I can say is that it needs to be done. In the end, you’ll only end up hurting yourself, and distancing yourself from your support system.

Here are a few tips to help you accept (whatever it is):

  1. You’re going to have to be vulnerable. It’s going to require you to give up control. Accepting help doesn’t make you any lower than the person offering you the help.

  2. Look within yourself. If your first reaction is to deny help, ask yourself why. Maybe you didn’t see much gracious behavior growing up, so you are suspicious of it, or maybe you’re used to seeing people help others only to bring it up later in a malicious way. It may require you to ask yourself some hard questions, but getting to the root of any issue is key to eradicating it.

  3. Stop telling yourself you don’t deserve help. If someone is offering, that means they already deem you worthy. Just accept it.

  4. Don’t rob someone else of the opportunity to give. Accepting is not only about you, but it could help the giver as well. Have you ever been excited to give a gift and the receiver of the gift declined? You probably felt pretty bummed out. Now reverse that scenario. Don’t take away the joy that someone else feels by giving.

Here’s to learning how to accept.

Love always,

CDOG

Apologies...

I say “I’m sorry” a lot. A whole lot. A whole, whole lot.

I didn’t realize it until one of my friends pointed it out and told me to stop. Guess what my response was? “Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry.

Ugh.

Today we’re going to get straight to the point: Stop Apologizing. I’ll say it again: Stop Apologizing. How about a third time for good measure? Stop Apologizing.

You may be doing it and don’t even realize it. If you’ve said any of these things, you were probably over-apologizing:

  • A waiter brings out your order and it’s incorrect, and you say : “I’m so sorry, but I didn’t order that.” Why are you apologizing, they got your order wrong.

  • Saying “I’m sorry to bother you” before asking someone a question.

If you’re like me and struggle with this, here are some reasons you may possibly be doing it, and how to stop.


  1. You fear abandonment: I’ll just say this, over apologizing isn’t going to stop people from leaving your life. In fact, since it’s so annoying, it may drive them away more quickly.

  2. You want everyone to like you: News flash, no matter how nice or kind you are, there will still be people who don’t like you.

  3. You’re trying to keep the peace: This one is personal for me, since I don’t like conflict. Apologizing may keep the peace for now, but apologizing (especially if you didn’t do anything wrong), is silly, and put the blame on you for something you didn’t even do.

It may seem like you’re doing the right thing in these instances, but there are some negatives to over-apologizing:

  1. People lose respect for you: You may think that you’re coming off as being nice and respectful, but it sends the message that you lack confidence.

  2. It’s annoying: As someone who is trying to take my own advice here, I sometimes get annoyed with myself for doing this, so I can only image how frustrating it can be for the person(s) constantly receiving the apologies.

It’s easier said than done, but there are a couple of things you can do to stop:

  1. Be more self-aware: Every time you feel the need to apologize, stop. Assess the situation first.

  2. Change your perspective: Instead of saying “I’m sorry”, say “Thank you for catching that".

Here’s to being more self-aware, and saving the “I’m sorry” for when it’s actually necessary.

You got this.

Love always,

CDOG

Dear Younger Me...

If you could give your younger self some advice, what would it be?

I’ve seen this question posed several times in the last few months, and as my 28th birthday approaches, it’s caused me to do some self reflection. I’ve written about it time and time again, but I suffer from FOAMO (Fear of already missing out. Yes, I just made that acronym up.) I’ve been told several times that from the outside looking in, I have it all together. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I am constantly thinking about the decisions that I’ve made, and how I could possibly be in a better place in life if I had made better decisions. I’m not discounting where I am now, but if I’m being honest, I’m not necessarily happy either. Yes, I get “trusting the journey”, but in this moment, I’m not sure that I believe that I’m “exactly where I am supposed to be.”

Looking back, there are 10 things that I’d like to tell my younger (and current) self. Hopefully in 10 years, I won’t be still trying to learn the same lessons, and I can look back and see how far I’ve come, instead of seeing how far I have to go.


  1. Just do it. This is number one because it it my biggest regret, even as I am typing right now. I am always waiting for the “perfect moment”, to do everything, and I have wasted years with this mindset. I’m not discounting planning, but I am saying that when you have an idea, act on it now. That could mean making a plan to execute it, or just jumping right in. Whatever it is, do it. Do it now.

  2. You can’t make everyone happy. If you know me even just a little bit, you can tell that I shy away from conflict and confrontation. I’ve always seen myself as someone who can get along with most people, and it eats me up inside when I feel like someone is upset with me. I used to think of that as a good character trait, but now I see that it is unhealthy. The truth is, no matter how kind or nice you are, there will be times where you hurt or disappoint someone, and people will find a way to criticize what you do. Plus, trying to please everyone is just plain exhausting. Work on making yourself happy, and it will attract the right kind of people.

  3. Go to therapy. Growing up with a parent with mental health issues, I was always scared of therapy because I didn’t want to be labeled as “crazy.” The irony in that statement is that not getting the help that you need turns out to be what makes you that way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting the help you want/need.

  4. Stop apologizing. This goes back to trying to make everyone happy and avoiding confrontation. I apologize for everything. At this point, it’s become such a habit that it comes out way more than it should.

  5. Learn to do things on your own. I am always searching for the community that I feel like I never had growing up. I am acquainted with many people, but I spend a lot of time by myself. It’s not always fun, but sometimes it’s like that.

  6. Adjust your expectations. I have expectations for just about every situation and everyone. I also find my self disappointed more often than not, because many times my expectations aren’t met. Life isn’t black and white, so I’m learning to adjust my expectations to account for those “gray” areas.

  7. Let it out, and let it go. Once in a while you just need a good cry. However, holding all that stuff in will do way more harm than good. Get it out, and then let it go. Life moves on.

  8. “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.” If you have ever been on a plane, then you’ve definitely heard this before. You can’t help anyone else until you make sure you are good first. Nobody can pour from an empty cup.

  9. Nothing happens immediately. When I first started lifting weights, I thought I would see drastic results in a few weeks. I was wrong. It’s so easy to look on social media and see the success of your peers and forget that most of the time, it look many hours of sweat equity.

  10. You aren’t too old. Yet. As long as you are breathing, you have another chance to get it right. Some of the most successful people didn’t get their big break until later in life. It’s easier said than done, but it truly isn’t over. Yet.

Just keep breathing. You got this.

Love always,

CDOG


1 in 5.

1 in 5.

That’s the number of people in the United States that suffer with a mental illness. In case you started doing the math, that comes out to 51.5 million (in 2019.)

That means that it’s very likely that either you or someone you know is suffering with some kind of hyperactive brain function. (That’s what I sometimes like to call it.) It’s almost like an invisible disability, because most of the time you’ll have no idea that someone is dealing with it.

Let’s be honest, mental illness isn’t something that’s fun, easy, or light to talk about, but its real, and COVID has seemed to be a catalyst in this discussion. I have see first hand the damage that unchecked mental illness can do. Growing up in a Black Christian household, therapy was almost like saying a curse word. It was always “What do you need a therapist for?”, or “Jesus is everything you need”, or the worst one of all “What goes on in this house, stays in this house.” It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized that while yes, Jesus is the answer, therapy can be too. I am estranged from a family member right now because I suggested therapy to try to heal years of unresolved issues, and it wasn’t received well. To this day, I am still confused as to why therapy is looked down on, because just as I’ve seen the damage unchecked mental illness can do, I’ve also witnessed what doing the “hard work”, can do.

Mental Illness has an effect far beyond just the mind. People with depression have a 40% higher risk of developing cardiovascular and metabolic diseases than the general population, and mood disorders are the most common cause of hospitalization for all people in the U.S. under age 45 (after excluding hospitalization relating to pregnancy and birth).. It literally has a rippling effect. Last year my body went into shock because of the tremendous amount of stress I had been going through.

I’ve shared my story several times on this platform and my book, but I’ll share it again because it’s relevant. Growing up in multiple households with both physical and emotional abuse, coupled with almost no affection or supportive talk from my parents, and losing a parent at 15 has definitely taken a toll on my mental health as I’ve aged. Overthinking, fear of situations that haven’t happened or may never happen, keeping a wall up, etc. It’s all a day to day process to tune many of these things out, but it’s hard, and honestly at the moment it seems like a losing battle. (And yes, I am still in therapy. And yes, I am still sometimes ashamed at that fact. And yes, sometimes i feel broken and unworthy of love/ friendship/ community because of the issues I’m working through.) With all of that, there are a few things I’d like to share that I’ve been trying to practice on a daily basis:

  1. Not taking things so personally: Most of the time, it’s not about you. EVERYONE is going through something, even if they make it seem like they have it altogether.

  2. Not internalizing other peoples struggles as your own: This one is hard for me, because I feel everything deeply. If someone I care about is hurting, I automatically go into “fix it” mode. Usually I’m willing to go leaps and bounds for people, and most of the time they aren’t even asking me to do that. I’m learning that you can still be compassionate without taking on the weight of everyone’s issues.

  3. Forgiveness. Still working on this one, so I’m not even going to try to give advice right now, because it’s be hypocritical.

  4. I am the prize. The first time I said that to myself I felt weird, because how could someone who is going through so much be a prize? Even now it’s still awkward for me to list the things I love about myself. However, trials and tribulations don’t make anyone any less deserving of love, respect, and community. Plus, I am kinda fine. 😂

  5. I am not broken. I am not broken. I am not broken.

  6. The hurt that I’ve gone through isn’t my fault, but healing from that hurt is my responsibility. If I want to truly be the best version of myself, I have to heal.

  7. Saying all of the above to myself everyday. I mean it, I say these things to myself DAILY. It may be starting to stick

It’s hard, you may have days where you just don’t feel like it. Trust me, I get it. But you can do it. You can heal. You can forgive. You can become the best version of yourself, for YOU. I am continuously thankful for the people that extend grace to me when I can’t even extend it to myself.

If you’d like more resources on Mental Health Awareness Month and why it’s important to help raise awareness about the prevalence of mental health conditions, reduces stigma, and encourage people to find and seek treatment sooner, I encourage you to check out this article from The Recovery Village.

Cheers to taking small steps everyday. You got this.

Love always,

CDOG

Keep it Simple Silly!

On January 1st, I bought a fancy whiteboard for my room and wrote down all the goals I had for this year. Yesterday I took a look at the board and nothing had been crossed out.

We’re already in the second quarter of the year, and I haven’t accomplished any of the things I wrote down?!

I lost it.

How could this be? I wrote it down, I make a weekly to-do list (I swear by lists), and I thought I was making some headway. However, I took another look at my list and realized that I wrote a bunch of things down with no plan to actually execute them. Here’s how I fixed that:

K-Keep

I-it

S- Simple

S- Silly

In short, by breaking my bigger goals down into smaller, more manageable steps, it allowed me to see that although it’s already April, some, if not all of these goals are still attainable. It sounds simple, but you’d be surprised how many of us skip this step when it comes to setting goals and deadlines for ourselves. So the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a step back and ask yourself a few questions:

  1. What is the goal?

  2. Can this be broken down into smaller steps?

    1. If so, what are they?

  3. Is this feasible in the time frame I’ve set?

    1. If not, consider breaking it down further.

Goal setting can be daunting, but with a little preparation, you can do it!

(And don’t forget to celebrate yourself!)

Love always, CDOG

5 Reasons You Should Always be the Bigger Person

Today, I won’t start this post with some witty sentiment, I’m going to get straight to the point: I am tired of always being the bigger person.

Often, I’ve seen those of us with a mild manner and slow temperament be taken for granted, and I see a new trend emerging.

Basically, we’re sick of it. We’ve all seen someone we thought was totally sweet turn cold as ice, because they just got sick of always turning to the other cheek.

Well friends, as hard as it is, I’m here to convince you that even though it’s difficult, being the bigger person is…sigh, the right thing to do, and we should continue doing it.

Someone is always watching.

Have you ever been in a restaurant, movie theatre, or a plane and noticed that a small child has been staring at your for awhile like this:

images.jpg

Well, believe it or not, someone is always paying attention, and seeing you give grace to someone who seems undeserving may give them the courage and strength to do the same.


It’ll come back to you…eventually.

This one is hard, because sometimes it can seem like it may take too long for the good things we do to come back to us. But, who says it hasn’t? Who says the blessing had to be financial? What if it was you leaving home early so you missed that car accident? Or that promotion you just got? It may not seem like it, but you do get back what you put out, and you’ll be rewarded for taking the high route.

Most of the time, it isn’t even about you.

You really don’t know what people are going through, especially in a time like this. With COVID, racial tension, and everything else, it’s safe to say that we’re all pretty stressed. While that’s not an excuse to act any kind of way, it can help you understand where someone’s pent up emotions may be coming from. If there was ever a time to be gracious, this is it. I mean, you’d want someone to extend grace to you on a bad day, right?

You’ll feel better in the end.

Yeah sure, it may feel good to scream and curse and carry on, but you may regret it later. I am an advocate for expressing your feelings, but fighting perceived disrespect with more disrespect just creates a bigger fire.

Because let’s face it, somebody has to be.

It’s popular these days to be “heartless”, and that’s fine I guess. I’m choosing to extend grace, and I hope you will do.

Before you start anything, ask yourself these questions...

In grade school we had mandatory book reports, and sometimes it was a little challenging to start, so the teacher would give us some basic questions to get us started. (Just humor me, there is a method to my madness here.)

Who: Who is the story about? Who are the main characters?

What: What was the story about? What was the problem?

When: When did the events happen?

Where: Where did the story take place?

How: How was the problem solved? How did the story end?

Why: Why did the problem happen?

Now, you may be catching my drift, but if not, don’t worry, it’ll all come together.

If you’re like me, you’re in your mid to late twenties, sort of navigating life with a printed MapQuest sheet in a world full of your peers who seem to have upgraded to a digital GPS, and they’ve got it all figured out. (Side note: Y’all remember going on road trips and having to print directions? Or worse, being in charge of reading the directions and getting in trouble if the driver made a wrong turn or missed the exit because you misread the map? Ahh, good times.) Anyway, it can be so easy to get caught up in the highlight reel that most of us paint on social media. In an effort to catch up, it can cause us to make decisions that may not necessarily be the best, just do we can add a little sparkle of our own to Instagram or Facebook. Let’s just use the wave of entrepreneurship as an example. Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with starting your own business; in fact, I encourage it. However, it’s not for everyone, and even if it is for you, moving too fast will cause you to fail.

I’ll use myself as an example. When I wrote my book, it started out with me genuinely wanting to help people from my own experiences. I wrote because it was therapeutic to finally put those things onto paper, and I knew someone could relate to what I had written. Fast forward to the book release, and it was a success initially. My friends and family bought copies, I had a book signing party that had a pretty great turnout, and I was on cloud 9. In my head, I was finally relevant. I had finally done something worth bragging about. That was 2 and a half years ago, and the sales, glitz, and the glamour have worn off. Sure, I promote it on social media sometimes, but now that it’s not selling, I’m right where I was at the beginning, feeling behind, and like a failed writer.

Fast forward to business number two: Danielle’s Kitchen, my meal prep service. I legitimately love to cook, both for me and other people. There was an need, because people in general don’t feel like meal prepping. I had food photoshoots, had a professional website done, taken headshots, the whole nine yards. When I finally launched, just like the book, the initial response was great. But, like most things, it died down, I got frustrated, unmotivated and discouraged, and…I’m still on a hiatus. Again, I felt like a failure.

What I should have done was answer those questions. Having a foundation of why you’re doing something before you start gives you something to look at when the times get tough. This doesn’t just apply to businesses either, this goes for everything.

So, before you do anything hasty, ask yourself these five questions: Who, what, when, where, how, and most importantly why.

Who: Who are you?

What: What exactly do you want to do?

When: When do you want to start? Be realistic. It may seem like people just all of a sudden have these “nice things”, but trust, there is a lot of behind the scenes work that goes into anything of quality.

Where:

How: How do you want to introduce your work to the world? Do you want to introduce your work to the world? Not every hobby has to be monetized.

Why: Why are you doing…whatever it is you’re doing? Is it because you want to flex? Because you want to leave a legacy? You want to help other people? Take some time and really think about the answer to this question. When you figure it out, hold on to it. When the sales get slow, or the support gets low, or you’re just feeling tired from working a 9-5 and then coming home to work on your dream, remember your “why”.

giphy (1).gif


You got this.

Love always,

CDOG


The Sun and Oxytocin: A (very rough) first personal essay

First things first; Happy Black History Month! I celebrated today by listening to the greatest song of all time “Return of the Mack”. Do yourself a favor and listen to it. You’re welcome. 😂

If you’re looking for a way to support black businesses, BE BHM has a fantastic list; blkLSTed here. Do yourself another favor and buy from one of the amazing businesses on that list. I’m partial to Bayles Catering, but don’t take my word for it. Go and see for yourself.

In other news, today is a first for me. I’ve been wanting to try my hand at essay writing for awhile and, in true Candace fashion, I choose to be extremely vulnerable. So go a little easy on me today. Or not.

Here we go.


I like hugs. Not those fake church hugs where there is an obtuse angle between two bodies. Did you know that it takes 20 seconds for oxytocin to be released when you hug someone? Do you know how long 20 seconds is? It’s just long enough to slightly feel the body heat of the other person, long enough for you to feel that the other person wants to embrace you. That’s the kind of hug I like. I like oxytocin.

I think the first time I gave a real-ish hug to anyone in my family was when I was in my late teens or early 20s. It was cold and stiff, like the cover of a new book fresh off the press. We’ve given each other several of these hugs throughout the years, and each one feels a little different, but we never make it to the real hugs. Some are just plain fake; we just do it because I mean, that’s what family members do…right? But then some of them, some of them felt a little real, like maybe the walls had come down a little, and the sun started to shine for maybe…7 seconds. Not quite enough oxytocin for me.

The hugs for me became a metaphor of our relationship. Some days are sunny-ish.

“Hey, how was your day?”

It was ok. Hey, I’m writing for a magazine now!

“That’s great! I’m so proud of you! How’s Lola?”

She’s great!

Those are like the real-ish, hugs.

Other days are overcast. Some, it’s pouring.

“Hey”

Hey

“How are you?”

I’m good. How are you?

“You know what, I’m tired of you treating me like I don’t mean anything to you.”

I’m sorry you feel that way, it’s just that it’s hard to talk to you without fearing you’ll blow up in my face.

“You know what Candace, I’m done.”

Click.

That wasn’t even like a church hug. Not a drop of oxytocin in sight. We’ve become as unstable as the Alabama weather. Oxytocin levels fall and rise like the mercury in a thermometer. Except I imagine after too much of that the thermometer may crack, right?

Well, I cracked, and I’m in search of oxytocin, and calmer weather.

I imagine the rain must end sometime, and the sun will give me the hug I’ve been yearning for.

It's a great day to be Black in America...a listicle

First things first: Happy First Day of Kwanza! Some people call it “The Black Christmas”, but it’s so much more than that. Kwanza celebrates family, community, and culture. In honor of today’s principle, Umoja, which translated from Kiswahii means “Unity”, I’m going to share some heart warming moments of why I absolutely love being Black.

But, before I start, I’ll admit that I haven’t always been so fond of my melanin. For starters, I have a big nose, and I’m still working on embracing that. Now, most of us grow up hearing stories of darker skinned black women and girls learning to accept their hue, but for me, it was the opposite. I wouldn’t say I’m “light-skinned”, I’m more of a brown-skinned girl, but to be honest, to this day my hue is something I don’t necessarily like. I have always wanted to have darker skin. Yes, you read that correctly. I have always found darker skin so appealing. It’s rich, creamy, makes bright colors look amazing, and I’ve never seen a darker skinned person with less than perfect skin. I’m working on embracing the medium brown skin that I have.

So, onto the list! I hope some of these make you smile, and help us all to remember that we truly are a remarkable and special group of people.


#BlackTwitter: Do I need to say anymore? We have created movements, influenced brand marketing campaigns, and created celebs.

The Head Nod: IYKYK. (If you know, you know). The head nod is like a sign of solidarity and respect. No words needed.

Compliments from older black women: If you need a pick-me-up, they’ve got you.

“I’m just trying to get like you!”: This is the ultimate compliment.

Round hips, big thighs, and big lips: The features that others pay for, we have naturally. I may (I am) be biased, but I think we have the best features on earth.

Hair that defies gravity: You ever see a black women buying volumizing hair products? Exactly. Those kinks, coils, and locs are beautiful.

The best sense of humor: No matter what’s happening, we’re going to laugh. I heard somewhere that laughter is good medicine, fyi.

Ebonics: It’s lit.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. As a people, we are pretty dope. I’m so glad to be Black; I hope you are too.

Love always,

CDOG