Shame.
Hello friends. I know, I know, I haven’t written anything in quite a while. Here is how life is going for me at the moment:
My 30th birthday is in 412 days.
Over the last few months, Game of Thrones has become my comfort show, and I’ve viewed it approximately 6 times in it’s entirety. If you’ve watched even just an episode of this show, then you know that it is one of the most complicated, twisted (and beautiful) shows that has ever aired. I’m still trying to figure out what it says about me that I’ve had the patience and stomach for 6 straight reruns.
Take those two facts as you please.
Let’s get into the good stuff. I’ve built this platform on transparency, because I truly believe we can all learn from each other, and I intend to continue that today.
I am not ok.
I’m not ok with not being ok. (Try saying that 5 times fast).
I grew up in a few different environments, and in all but one, the show of emotions was not encouraged or tolerated. Tears were met with contempt, hugs were few and far between, and the most famous three words (with 8 letters) were rarely uttered. Between that and the whole “Just pray depression away” narrative, you can see I was put on a real path to emotional success. (That last sentence was sarcasm, if you didn’t catch it). Suppression was the name of the game, and 28 years later all of those emotions are now coming out, and I feel like this:
During this transitional period in my life, I have shed more tears than I ever thought possible. It’s been a viscous cycle of mourning the life I thought I should have at this point, followed by guilty feelings because “other people have had it worse”, followed by an even more guilty feeling for…just having these feelings. And on and on it goes, day in and out, my mind twirling like that colorful cloth we used twirl around in physical education class as a child. After a while all of those colors used to blur and we all got dizzy and fell down. I’ve fallen down quite a few times, and I haven’t quite recovered. Ahh yes, and there is also the shame of vulnerability in front of people who you thought viewed you as a strong individual.
If this is something that resonates or has resonated with you at any point in your life, I’d just like to reiterate that you are not alone. I don’t claim to have all of the answers, and I’m getting professional help myself, but there are a few things I can share:
Embrace it. Whatever it is that you’re feeling, sit with it. I spent most of my life running from emotion, and it will catch up with you at some point. It will not be easy. It may cause you to do some introspective thinking and work, but I promise it’s better than everything hitting you at once.
Get help. I can’t stress this enough. Despite my writing over the years, there is still a misconception that I have it all together. (Seriously guys, how many posts do I need to write to let you all know that this isn’t the case 😂). I, like so many others have a huge issue with pride when it comes to asking for help, and while it’s never too late to do the deep work, I believe I made it much harder on myself, because I waited until the 11th hour. You can indeed love Jesus and get a therapist.
You are not annoying, and people do love you. During this period in my life, I have felt more unworthy of love and community in all forms than I ever have. There is a stigma surrounding depression and emotions that I pray I get to see eradicated. I’ve been guilty of trying to push the very people away that have seen me at some of my lowest points and still choose to love and support me anyway. Community is important, and if people offer to be here for you, let them. Let them.
Find a comfort show. Seriously. Now, I know not everyone can stomach something like Game of Thrones, so I’m not suggesting that, but I am suggesting that you find something that feels like a warm hug when you watch it. It really does help.
Don’t quit. I’ve been here multiple times. It’s rough. Really rough. But keep going. Rest if you must, but don’t quit.
Let’s face it, life is hard, but emotions are normal, and it just makes you human. Let them out.
I’m rooting for you all.
Love always,
CDOG