To Whom It May Concern:
It’s been 5 months since my last open letter, and I think it’s time for another one. Usually when the first line of a letter is pinned “To Whom It May Concern” it’s because the writer doesn’t have a specific person or they don’t know the name they are writing to. The title is fitting for this because besides me, I am not sure who this letter will touch. I hope that my transparency will help someone during the tough times we are living in.
To Whom It May Concern:
On December 31st, 2019 I was overjoyed. I was in the company of someone I care deeply about, and I just knew that 2020 was going to be my year. I had my goals written out on a dry erase board in my room, and I had a plan. I was finally going to put in the work to be the woman I had wanted to be. My body was banging (thanks to several years of hard work in the gym), my skin had finally cleared up, and I was ready to take on anything.
23 days later a good friend of mine passed away. Between that and the stress at work, I was overcome with grief. But I knew life had to go on, and it did. I had the best Valentines day I have ever had, and I was almost back to normal. Mid-March, COVID finally made its way into our neighborhood. I was grateful to still be employed, but I was going stir crazy at my house. Again, I pulled myself out of a dark place and started working out again. April, another friend and church member of mine passed away. My body went into a literal shock that I’m still recovering from. Over the next few months I lived in the emergency room and urgency care clinics, increasingly frustrated when I was told that everything was normal and all my blood work, MRI’s, and X-rays came out fine. My pain was real, and nobody could see it.
A few months later, the 3rd church member and friend passed. At this point I was exhausted in every way possible. COVID was still at-large, the internet circulated with news of black men being murdered by those that were ordered to “protect and serve”, and work was…well work. And before you ask, yes, prayer and therapy was (and is) happening. Sprinkle in family issues, quarantine weight gain and skin that just refuses to cooperate to treatment, and that was the cherry on top of the emotional overload pie. I was done. Everyday became a struggle; I was just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I’ll pause here and say that yes, good things have happened, but a huge cloud seemed to block out every ray of sun trying to squeeze into my life. It seemed as if the rain just wouldn’t stop coming, and I didn’t have an umbrella, or a poncho…or a raincoat.
Fast forward to today, and it’s still a little cloudy. However, I had a conversation yesterday that bought a little sun and wisdom. Here is what I got out of it:
Let it go, let it go. The things that have happened to you may not be your fault, but healing is indeed your responsibility. You owe it to yourself to heal.
No relationship (friendship or otherwise) can replace professional help. It’s not anyone’s responsibility to be your emotional dumping ground.
Getting help doesn’t make you weak or stupid. Recognizing that you need a third party makes you courageous and emotionally intelligent. Plenty of people know they need help and refuse.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. if you don’t like yourself, you won’t believe it.
You are not alone. Even if people don’t admit it, this year has been hard for others too.
God hears your prayers.
Just breathe.
It’s not over yet.
Love always.
CDOG