Since We're Being Honest... — Candace D.O. Green

Before I begin, I know there is a very fine line between being transparent because you want praise, and being transparent because you know someone else may need the message you’re trying to convey. I try to check my intentions before being extremely transparent (like I will be today), because I know how things can come across. My desire is that this post inspires someone else to be honest with themselves, and have the courage to do the hard work (because it is hard), and be honest with yourself and the things you made need to change.

2020 has been a year (for some). For some it has become a land filled with milk and honey: speaking engagements, proposals, more degrees, more income and the like. And while yes, generally I am happy for the success of others, I slowly watched my clapping hands turn green from envy. I slowly went from thinking “My turn is coming” to “When is it going to be my turn?!”. I checked Facebook, Twitter and Instagram like the morning report, ready to compare my life to the seemingly glistening lives of others, and even though I know that nobody posts their failures, it seemed like I was the only person in the world that was losing… in the moment.

So I decided to take a social media hiatus, and I did…for the first few weeks. Then I found myself slowly creeping back, and I was greeted by even more proposals, degrees, business openings and speaking engagements (s/o to those dumb algorithms). I wanted what everybody else had.

And then I realized that I didn’t want what they had as much as the illusion of what they had. I had to ask myself some hard questions.

Why do I want my IG pictures of be perfectly lit, with a bomb fit (hey rhyme), and my face beat to perfection? Who am I trying to impress? Why do I feel the need to validate my beauty with likes from people that I don’t even speak to on a regular basis?

Why am I comparing my relationship to a probably perfectly staged “candid” photo on IG? Why do I feel the need to have strangers validate my love for someone else?

I had to take Michael Jacksons word and start with the [wo]man, in the mirror, and let me tell you, I didn’t like what I saw. In my head I was a “good” person, I didn’t start drama, I stayed out of people’s business (oh the irony. Can anyone who uses social media super regularly really say that they stay out of anyone’s business?); why couldn’t I have a life like that? When in reality I had turned into a self-righteous, envious person who took every opportunity to feel sorry for herself, detached from people, and self-sabotaged good relationships. I let my past (and current) circumstance get to the very core of who I am, and I decided to stay in that mess. I have learned that sometimes it’s easier to stay broken because you get more attention that way. Think about it, nobody praises those people that seem to always have it together. Its the “rags to riches” stories that garner that most attention. I felt like I’ve been in my “rags” stage forever and I was still waiting for the “riches” to come.

I had become miserable, and I expected everyone around me to be miserable too. What’s that saying? Misery loves company? Well, it’s true. Except I found myself alone because let’s be honest, nobody wants to be around that negativity. I realized that even though I could not control the things that have happened to me growing up, I can control how I heal from them. I owed it to myself to heal. I owed it to my friends to heal. I owed it to my family to heal. A healed person is a happy person. A healed person is a whole person.

So right now I’m doing the hard work. I’m taking responsibility to how I react to the circumstances around me. Sure, I have moments of weakness where I feel like life isn’t fair to me, but I can only control how I react. If you are reading this and have been affected by me during this period of internal conflict, I am deeply sorry. I am aiming to be the best friend, daughter, girlfriend, whatever that I can be, and I know that I will be. I am appreciative to those people who show me more grace than I show myself.

I hope this post encourages someone else to do the hard work that it takes to be a better person. I know in the end it’ll all be worth it.

Love always,

CDOG