Love and Happiness
I’m writing this post as I fight the “itis” from my celebratory end of the semester meal from El Barrio. (I go so much they may nor may not know my name, car and usual order. Help.) Anyway, it’s been a challenging few months, but I seem to have had an epiphany in the last 24 hours. Now that I think about it, have I lived long enough to have a real epiphany? Perhaps not. The point is, I had a mind-altering revelation (ok, a few) concerning how I think about and handle the not so pleasant cards that I’ve been dealt. How did I get here? Let’s start at the beginning.
About a week and a half ago, I decided to deactivate my Facebook and Instagram accounts. (Twitter is too funny, I can’t give that up 😂) One of my good friends has coined the term “lane-watching” which basically means paying too much attention to what everyone else has going on. I spent most of my time on social media doing just that. I started to slowly envy and even resent some of my friends for their accomplishments, while simultaneously feeling sorry for myself for not reaching their benchmarks and failing to recognize my own accomplishments. We all know that for the most part, social media is all one huge highlight reel, and even though I knew that, I couldn’t help but get sucked into the allure of others’ successes. I said all of that to say that the last 9 days without two of the biggest social media platforms has been wonderful. I have felt no pressure to keep up with anyone but myself, just as it should be. I’m a little sad that I will have to reactivate them at the start of 2023 to promote some upcoming projects. (However, if anyone has any ideas on how to promote creative projects without social media, I am open to those.)
Where was I? Oh yes, my epiphany/ mind altering revelation(s).
Since I’ve had a lot more time to reflect without major social media outlets, I have realized that most of my “brand” if I dare call myself and my writing that, has been based on suffering. I based my entire identity on the horrors of abuse that I faced as a child, church trauma, and all that other stuff. I thought I was being transparent and relatable, but I’m coming to realize that just as I can talk about the “bad cards”, I’ve been dealt some nice ones too, and those are worth sharing. Now one thing I will never do is act like I have the keys to life, because I don’t, and I will continue to share my story because I know it has tugged on a few heartstrings and opened up some much-needed conversations. One of my friends mentioned to me that some of my best writing comes from my pain, and I’m not sure I want that to be true all of the time. Life is tough, don’t get me wrong, but it can also be beautiful, and I’d like to highlight more of that.
I honestly didn’t know who I was outside of that suffering. Nobody likes a “Debbie Downer”, and I was becoming one, and fast. I’ve been reflecting on my past relationships of all kinds, and I had to admit that I may not have been the best friend, partner, or daughter because I was willingly drowning in my own sorrows. How can I say that, given everything I’ve gone through? Well, while I can’t control the things that have happened to me, I can control how I heal from them. For a time, I refused to do the healing, because frankly, I got more attention when I was sad. I got the validation I had always been seeking, and I didn’t care how I got it, as long as I did.
I’m most attractive when I’m happy, healthy, and healing. At this point it’s a scientific fact that your skin somehow glows more when you are happy. If you’ve ever seen a truly happy person (no matter what they are going though), they are glowing. It’s an aura you can absolutely feel. They are infectious. I’ve had moments like that, and it feels amazing, so why not aim for that as much as possible? Let me reiterate that I know that life, especially with all that is going on everywhere, is hard, and you should absolutely feel those feelings. Cry, scream, shout, let it all out. But, just as the rain subsides and the seasons change, we have to allow ourselves to do the same. The sun always emerges. Night always turns into day.
So, I’ve decided to have sort of a rebrand for myself. Yes, I’ll still acknowledge the struggles that I face, but instead of doom and gloom, they will be laced with grace, optimism, and my continued disdain for those who still choose to not use a turn signal. (Seriously, it’s so easy). I want to be a true light in my own life, and those around me, and while I’ve still got a long way to go, I’m very proud of the person I have become. It’s not over yet, just keep breathing, and smiling.
With love always,
CDOG